And so an old acquaintance visits once again....

It hasn't been all that long since the last meeting. I hadn't asked for it to return. I had hoped to never see it again. I thought I had locked the doors and closed the windows and whispered 'go away' enough times that it would admit defeat and leave, never to return.

And yet despite my best efforts, despite my protestations, I have realised that a very familiar acquaintance has come stealthily sneaking back into my life and home. It has made it's presence known in the old, familiar ways.

The insomnia.

The broken sleep, punctuated with strange and distressing dreams.

The slow, creeping anxiety which floats increasingly present as a background hum, threatening to deepen and deepen further into panic.

The lethargy, the fatigue.

The heavy, heavy, heavy weight of my body, moving as though through a fog.

The aches and pains and thudding head and heart.

The guilt.

The ruminations- endless loops of repeated, useless thought, which ultimately lead to nowhere.

I've tried to deny it's existence. Tried to will it away. Tried and failed. It's returned. It's teeth nip at my heels. It's breath, panting and fetid, on the back of my neck. It's iron grip around my chest, squeezing out light and hope. It's essence, oozing into my very pores, contaminating me from the inside out.

You're back. I

14 weeks

Of medication. Of therapy. What difference has it made?

Tonight, it feels as though very little difference has occurred. Yet I know, in spite of my current discomfort and pain, that 14 weeks ago I was feeling very, very wretched. At the end of my tether. As though another day would cause me such pain that I would disintegrate into dust in the sunlight. I recall the sun falling into the room through the window and me feeling physically wounded by its presence, turning away from its warming rays. Days of not being able to get up out of bed. Remaining in the same clothing for days on end, no showers. Barely able to tolerate the kids voices as they excitedly told me of their days, of which I'd been absent. Barely eating. Barely drinking. Days passing by in a haze of shoulds which could not be met.

I am better. But I am not whole. I don't know who this creature is. I exist, day by day, but I am not me. I have no goals. No future. No dreams. I am me, bared naked and unknowing.

It feels uncomfortable.

I felt the return of Spring today and it gladdened my heart but my soul remained cold. My Soul said "what does it matter? You will still be you, and you are not enough". If my very essence says that then what hope do I have? None. And so I cannot welcome Spring, with her warm rays and fragrant blooms. For it is meaningless in the end. And I shall burn like embers in the ever increasing Sun.

Music soothes the savage beast...

One of my Top 5 Favourite Musicians of ALL Time released a new album this week and allow me to be amongst the first few hundred thousand or so to declare it a triumph.

Please feel free to enjoy, or not, the following as an example:

Beck- Blue Moon

As much as I love the new material, I have to admit that this is very, very difficult to top, particularly in my current frame of mind:

Beck- Lost Cause

I heart Beck.

Christmas 2013

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were both lovely, the nicest in years. Am feeling very fortunate to have been able to spend such lovely time with my dearest peeps. Sadly, I took very few photos but I'm sure the memories will linger for a long time to come.

Good things about Christmas Eve:

* working a surprisingly relaxed day shift with happy colleagues and tasty treats sweetening the deal further.
* successfully finding a last minute gift I was hoping to find on my way home from work
* not caring that the house wasn't completely immaculate for Christmas and just feeling satisfied with the hard work I had put in being enough
* going out for dinner for Mum's birthday and having a wonderful Vietnamese feast with all the siblings, partners and kids there
* having everyone come back to our place, candles aplenty lit throughout the house, carols playing, holly and berries in vases, eggnog consumed and my sister happily saying to me "Now it feels like Christmas!"
* the kids excitedly sprinkling reindeer food down along the driveway, checking the Santa tracker on the internet to see where in the world he currently was (New Zealand! So exciting!), putting out milk, mince pies and carrots and placing their Santa sacks outside their room
* quietly putting everything together under the tree and marvelling at the abundance
* crashing into bed at an ungodly hour- ahh, sweet, sweet sleep....

To be continued.....the beach is calling!

It's been a while.....

I don't really have any reason for neglecting my blog for the past 3 and a bit months. I've been neglecting a few things I guess, my fitness and general health, my job, this blog. I haven't done much at all except come off my anti depressants and to be honest, in hindsight, I don't know that this has been a good decision. I like feeling clearer in my head, but I have to admit my motivation and drive has taken a definite nosedive. I feel as though I am feeling more, but doing less.

My heart and head are still a mess.

39 years and 51 weeks

So, this time next week, I will have turned 40 years old. For me, this is a big deal. Why? I don't exactly know. It didn't bother me in the slightest turning 30 or 35. They were merely numbers to me, which had no significance or meaning whatsoever. Just another birthday, to be enjoyed and celebrated. But, for some reason, the number 40 has bugged me for the last year. Turning 40 feels significant.

For the last 12 months, I have had various thoughts and ideas on how my 40th should be celebrated. A week in Paris? Not so romantic with two small children. A tropical cruise with my nearest and dearest? Not everyone can afford it, or want to do it. Some time alone, at a retreat? Seems isolating and lonely. Botox? Too vain. And painful. Dancing and drinking all night in the city? Been there and done that. A big, raucous party? I don't actually know enough people to have a big, raucous party. And even if I did, I wouldn't want to partake of big and raucous.

You name it, I've considered it.

I have wracked my brain, trying to come up with something amazing and fabulous to celebrate the fact that I am turning 40 years old.

Why?

Because, at 40, you are meant to have your shit together. You are meant to have sorted out where you are heading. To have purchased a house. To have accumulated a wide circle of interesting and interested friends. To feel whole. Settled. Be sensible. Committed.

And yet, I have achieved precious few of these things I've listed. I rent. I have a very small circle of people I love and trust. I often feel unsettled and uncertain. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I think it's a midwife, but I'm not 100% sure. I like the principles of Buddhism, but I'm not committed enough to call myself a Buddhist. There at least 20 countries I'd visit tomorrow if I could. I haven't written a single sentence of the book I've promised myself I'd write for the last 20 or so years. I meditate a few times a year rather than every day. I drink too much and eat too much crap. I don't move enough.

But- I have quit smoking. I run! I am practising yoga more regularly and it feels right. I am not afraid to express my opinion or thoughts. I know that perfection is a myth and that sunshine on my skin feels great. That focusing on my breath in troubled times centre's me. That my children are my greatest source of joy and happiness and that they enrich my life in a way that nothing else does. They fill my heart and soothe my soul.

I am turning 40. My thirties meant pregnancy, babies, family, sacrifice, patience, change. Moving from being a single to a couple to a family. Transitioning from impatient idealist to rational realist with one eye on the inspired and impossible.

Here's to my last week of being 30 something.

I know that "Nepal" is missing from the blog....

And so, I will add an entry on Nepal very soon. The trouble is, it was such an immense experience, that I don't know that I can do it justice. I will attempt it though, if for nothing else than my own memory. All I definitely know is that I will return to the beautiful kingdom of Nepal next year, in order to trek the Annapurna Circuit and fulfill a dream I have held for 12 long years. I would love to do the Everest Base Camp trek as well on the same trip, but after suffering the physicality of the Poon Hill trek with a dodgy left knee, (which reduced me literally to tears at times over the pain endured, thanks to a running injury exactly a week before we left for Nepal), I dare not attempt until I have at least a successful circuit trek under my belt. Not that it bothers me greatly, as it only means that I must return to Nepal a third time to realise my ultimate dream. No hardship at all!

I long to return to Kathmandu. Particularly Thamel, with it's narrow, slightly winding, delightfully claustrophobic alley ways, one leading onto the next, and then the next. A succession of tea stores, pashmina shops, Thangka sellers, distributors of Buddhas and vendors selling semi-precious stones worked into beautiful necklaces and bracelets. How I long to haggle gently with jewellers and side street con-women selling cheap bags. To debate the worth and value of a handmade wind pipe with an incessantly sincere seller. To sit in a smokey, dimly lit restaurant, waiting for the ordered momo's and Tibetan beer to be delivered to the table, with the threat of an electrical outage ever present. The reassurance of a head torch, so alien in usual circumstances, giving comfort through it's very presence in one's jacket pocket. To cast shy, unwilling eyes at a table companion, while reading the mesmerising tale of a mountain ascent gone awry.

This is Thamel-cheap internet and crackling international phone calls. Inexpensive books. Good food with the threat of electrical power shortages. Cheap soap. Haggling for Buddhas and jade and silver bowls. Beggars. Narrow alley ways and peaceful hotels. The crow of roosters along adjacent roof tops. A feeling of peace amidst the madness. A feeling of having been granted an insight into something remarkable.

I Love You Thamel.

I can't wait to experience you again. Soon.